March 14, 2023

It wasn't supposed to be this way... we were supposed to grow old together and go to sleep together, hand in hand. We were supposed to have our best year, yet, this year... but, plans changed...

I miss you terribly right now, Felicia. I wish I could go back to three weeks ago and see you again. I wish I could ask God, Our Father, to return me to that morning and let me hold you longer, let me kiss you once more. My grief is heavy right now. I mourn for you, my angel. My shattered heart cries for you...

But in this darkness of my forlorn despair, I have Light. His Light. His Love. His Peace. My humanness is broken, but my Spirit is still with me. Though I may feel crushed in this hour, I know I'm not defeated. I know Adonai has something in store for me which will help His Kingdom. I know I need to suffer through this so I can be a better instrument for Him.

This suffering is awful, though. Only through Prayer and leaning on Him have I made it this far. I still fall and cry out "WHY???" I still break and ask Him to take this burden from me. But, then I feel His Presence with me, holding me, bringing me comfort. He suffers with me. He cries with me. I know I can get to the summit of this million-mile mountain as long as I ask for His Guidance and Patience.

Although this pain is burdensome, sometimes even suffocating, I know that with Yeshua by my side, His Holy Spirit over me, the Hand of Yahweh carrying me, I'll get through this dark, bleak valley. I just need to grieve. I need to let my wife go. I need to fully trust the #Truth that she is no longer in the pain and agony she suffered all these years; she's no longer miserable. I know she's Whole and Healed and ALIVE in His Loving Glory, singing praises of worship to Him. This helps my heart heal; it helps my soul decompress. It is this Truth I hold to. It is this Truth that will get me to the top.

I love you, Father. I am thankful you gave me 19 marital years and 22 total years with Felicia. You made her for me, if only for a season. But during these years we had, you helped her change me to the man I am. I am forever grateful to You that You gave me the life I have. Thank you, Yahweh, for loving me as you do. Thank you for my wonderful wife. I need to return her to you, but it's hard. I'm trying, Father. I hope you understand that...

I love you, my angel. Always. Forever. #Fiercely