May 20, 2023

Hey, Felicia...

You remember when we went to my hearing doctor and you came back with me for the first time? That was on February 10th, just 11 days before you passed. You met Ms. Tammy Peek. She’s the one who normally sees me. You and she talked a lot while we were there. She has a daughter-in-law who suffers with endometriosis and y’all talked about that a little. We all talked about how I was saving for the newest fandangled hearing aids they have. She really enjoyed talking to you.

My first time back to the hearing doctor was just shortly after you passed. Ms. Tammy, ever the nice lady, asked how you were, considering your endo… She was really taken aback when I told her you passed suddenly and unexpectedly. She was stunned and, as best she could, she offered her sincerest condolences. I really appreciated that. Ms. Tammy is a nice lady and really enjoyed getting to know you, if only for that 30 minutes…

Yesterday, I went for a routine check-up and Ms. Tammy asked how I was doing. She then told me something anyone could have said about you: she told me you left a wonderful, lasting impression on her. This is who you are, my dear, sweet wife. You left a wonderful, lasting impression on anyone you met. How do I know? Those who have met you have said much more than that. And those who have only known you through my stories have all said they are saddened they never got to meet you. But, according to my in-laws, they have… through my behavior, my mannerisms, my demeanor. Your radiant light you shinned, the eternal light of Yahweh which glowed through you, changed my life those 22 years ago.

So, when your sister or mom say they see you in me, it’s because God has blessed me with your love. Our Father shined His Glorious Light through you to reach me. And it’s that light everyone ever saw in you. It’s that light which drove the evil ones crazy (you know what I’m talking about). It’s that light that I’m trying to reignite in my own walk with Yahweh. I want to take your legacy and show those around me who you loved more than anyone or anything: Yeshua, Our Savior, Our Lord, the King of Kings. Our Messiah. Your love for Him was so beautiful, everyone who met you could feel it. I’m sure of this.

And, I was reminded yesterday how incredible you are, my wonderful wife. I was reminded how your love for God was truly reflected in your conversations with those around you. God’s Light shone through you and helped countless people have a better day. I can testify to that. I know how true that is. And, knowing this truth is remarkable. Knowing you has been remarkable. Knowing that you allowed God, Our Father, to use you so that I could return to Him is beyond remarkable. You’ll never know how much I love you for just that single reason.

Through your love and understanding of me, God took a wandering soul and placed him back on His path. I’ll admit that through the last 22 years, I did fall off that path occasionally. We both did. But, never at the same time. That’s how I know God made us for each other: He made sure one of us was clearly on His path whenever the other fell off. Felicia, as cliche as this saying is, you TRULY completed me. You understood me the way no one else has been able to. You often would translate things I said to people so they would know what I meant. You loved my dry humor. You lovingly despised my cunningness (I have always been able to convince you of some absurd “fact” - like cows living on a mountain have two longer legs on one side to keep them from falling. When I told you that, you thought, only for a millisecond, but you still thought “No way!”).

Felicia… for nearly 13 weeks, now, I’ve been so lonely. I can’t joke around with people the way I did with you. I can’t call or text you when I come across something I know you would appreciate - whether it was a news article, YouTube video, or a conversation I had with someone. We shared EVERYTHING together. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our future…

Now, I must walk into the future without my bride… I don’t want to. I don’t know how to make decisions without involving you. I don’t know the answer to some of the most mundane, but important questions which you would have. How am I supposed to get back to “life” without the one who brightened it for me?

Jesus… that’s how. As broken and emotionally drained as I am, as crushed and burdened as my spirit is, I know that I’ll need to keep pushing forward. I can’t just sit in the mud, wanting to do nothing. I’m trying to function, but it’s so hard. Especially since the person who could help me through this is no longer with me… When you passed, the very best part of me went, too. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to enjoy true happiness again. But whenever I start thinking that way, I remind myself that if I’m a true follower of Yeshua, my happiness is irrelevant to His Kingdom. Whatever I’m going through can be used to help Him build His Kingdom. I know this. So, I need to focus on this.

Felicia, I need to let you know that as heartbroken and miserable as I am, I will find a way to step out of the boat (I thought I was already out of) and onto the crashing waves of this stormy lake so that I can continue God’s mission for me. As shattered as my heart is, I need to remind myself that my life isn’t about me. It should be about Yeshua and His Ultimate Sacrifice. My life should reflect God’s want for His Creation to return to Him. So, I need to continue your legacy, my love. I need people to see Jesus shine through me just as He did through you. I need people to see God’s Love and Grace reflected through me just as they did through you. I need My Lord to know I’m going to keep moving forward, no matter how many times I may stumble, so that His Word can continue to be shared to those who have ears to hear. I need His Love to radiate through me, as it did with you, so that those who have eyes can see.

Thank you, my dearest angel, for being the most incredible woman I will have possibly ever met. You exemplified God’s Love. His Light shone before you wherever you went and those who you met have been left better because of your selfless testimony of Our Lord and Savior. Thank you, my beautiful bride, for loving Yahweh as much as you did. You truly were a wonderful influence on all you met. And I’m eternally grateful for that.

I love you, my wife. Always. Forever. Fiercely.