Mountain Drive

July 22, 2023

Hey, Felicia. It's been a while...

Remember when Buster got sick and we said we wanted to take him to the mountains before he passed? We never got the chance... I started planning on our 20th Anniversary, hoping to get back to Gatlinburg. But, we'll never get the chance...

I miss you, Felicia. I miss our time together. I miss the way we laughed at the stupidest things. I miss the way you looked at me. I miss my wife. I miss your hugs. I miss your kisses. I miss YOU...

I took a drive today, much like I did on Monday. Except, this time, I had a destination. I drove up to Pretty Place, but it was closed (probably due to a wedding or something). So, I kept driving and went into Brevard and drove around the campus. Boy, things in town AND on campus have changed. Even though the Huddle House is now another restaurant, O.P. Taylor's is still there.

So, while I was in Brevard, I decided to drive up into Pisgah Forest, home of the first US Forestry school. While driving past some of my old stomping grounds, I recalled the last time we were up there. We only went twice and the last time was years ago. Even though we had been to the mountains a few times since we last visited Brevard, we hadn't taken a trip to the mountains in a while. That's because your endo made you get car sick easily. And those mountain roads are no joke. So, in a way, I took this drive just to think about you - about how you loved me so much; how you always made me feel like a million bucks. I recalled those times I'd make you laugh, but always knew your sister could make you laugh harder (I didn't mind). I thought about how much my heart has suffered these past 21+ weeks. I thought about what's next (I have no idea).

Then, I ended up on Blue Ridge Parkway. That's such a beautiful drive. We drove it once. I stopped at the overlook we stopped at and took this picture of Glassy Mountain. Memories of our "First Annual Honeymoon" came pouring over me. I was overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions. I still am. But, it was a good drive.

I talked to God. I asked Him about my idea I have for a miniseries. But, then, that turned into something else. As I was listening to the likes of Chris Tomlin, Brandon Lake, Casting Crowns and MercyMe, I began feeling an urge to write songs again. I began feeling an urge to dust off my keyboard and start practicing again.

I hadn't written or played in years. And this miniseries I'm thinking of may be a good way for me to stretch those muscles...

Anyway, as I was talking with Yahweh, I realized there's so much I can do, so much I should do, that I need to go ahead and step off this boat and towards Yeshua. This drive was encouraging, but as I was coming back home, I started welling up, again, with despair and sorrow. Oh, how I miss you, my love. I miss loving you. I miss making you feel better. I miss helping you. I miss YOU. I'm so heartbroken... I'm so sad... I'm so lonely...

I know I'm not alone. Your family, my family, and our friends have been good to me. But none of them can replace you. None of them can bring me the joy you brought me. None of them can bring me the warmth you brought me. And I don't expect them to. They can't. A relationship with a spouse is never equal to any other relationship, so I know what we had will never be replaced. Even by well-intentioned, good-loving, God-fearing people. It's just not what our hearts do...

So as I try to let go of my shattered heart, as I try to allow the Holy Spirit to lift my burden, as I try to let Yeshua grab onto me, as I try to let Yahweh continue to be my Shelter, I'm struggling. I suppose I will for a while longer, yet. According to anyone I talk to, this is more than a given. I know I'll still suffer. I know I'll still fall before I step off this boat. But, this drive up into the mountains helped. If only just...

I love you, Felicia. I love you always. I love you forever. I love you fiercely. And, I love that I know you're no longer in pain; you're no longer suffering. I know you have no more tears and are dancing in the Full Glory of Jehovah Rapha. Through my storm, through my turmoil, this truth brings me a sense of comfort, of peace...

I love you, my angel. I'll always love you, as I have always loved you. I loved you even before we met. And I'll love you forevermore.