You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once
March 24, 2023
YOU DON’T JUST LOSE SOMEONE ONCE
You lose them over and over,
sometimes in the same day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.
Credit: Donna Ashworth
If you've lost someone, you know how true this is. If you've lost someone suddenly and unexpectedly, it's even more jarring.
When I'm having good moments, I enjoy them. But then the realization kicks in and I get reminded, constantly, my wife is no longer with me.
I miss her terribly. With nearly every breath I take. With nearly every time I move... I got some great news yesterday which I always shared with Felicia. Yesterday, I couldn't. Yesterday, my happy news was lukewarm...
I hurt. I'm broken. I'm lost... emotionally and mentally. My only respite is in my #faith. My only peace is in Yeshua, my Lord and Savior. Without Him, I'd be drowning in a sea of torment and despair. I'd be suffocating my own life. I'd be in a ditch, somewhere, completely numb to this world.
It is ONLY through Yahweh's #Love, #Grace, and #Compassion I've been able to wake, eat, drink, laugh, move, smile, SING... my human heart is still in a billion pieces, but Jesus is holding fast to it, piecing it back together. My soul feels crushed to oblivion but His Spirit has been lifting this immovable weight from it.
I live my life moment to moment, now. I have good ones and bad ones. Each time a bad moment appears, I mourn. Sometimes audibly. Sometimes violently (at least, with my body - I don't and haven't thrown things and pray I never will).
My therapist asked me if I'm angry at God. I immediately said "No. How could I be? He's incapable of evil. What happened to Felicia wasn't His fault." When she asked if I was angry at anyone, I said satan. His evil is what I'm angry at. He took my wife from me. He took my love, the one God created for me, my angel. I'm only mad at that evil serpent of old who will find himself burning forever in the firey pit. Until his wanted and needed demise happens, we need to understand he currently walks like a lion on this earth, waiting to devour whomever he can.
I will NOT let him devour me. February 21st was the day I came closer to The Lord than any other time in my nearly 49 years of life. I could have yelled at Him. I could have cursed Him. I could have run fast from Him into who knows what. But I knew that's exactly what satan wanted me to do. Furthermore, I knew that Yahweh was standing there with His arms wide, waiting for me. I reciprocated and RAN into His Arms.
I still weep. I still mourn. I miss Felicia more than anyone has ever missed anything times a billion billion. I still have moments of clarity in between my hours of turmoil. I still wait for her to come to me... I know this million-mile journey up this steep mountain is fraught with many more obstacles. But I'm ready for them. I have God. I have Jesus. I have The Holy Spirit. I'm armed to the teeth to show satan he may try to break me, but I will reach the top of this mountain. I refuse to let him try to detour me. I am God's.
I am also lonely because Felicia isn't by my side. I'm not ALONE. Just lonely. I miss my darling angel. I miss her loving arms, her beautiful smile, her incredible wit. I miss my loving wife. But she's whole and healed and #ALIVE in His Glory. This is my solace. This is my comfort. This is my peace.
I love you, Felicia. Always. Forever. #Fiercely
