April 1, 2023

Sometimes, it feels like I'm driving down a long stretch of highway when I suddenly realize I had zoned out for a bit - I then refocus and remember I'm a widower...

Sometimes, it feels like the last 22 years were one long fantastic dream and I've woken to a horrible nightmare...

Losing someone so close to you (grandparent, parent, sibling, best friend...) is certain to hurt. Losing them suddenly and unexpectedly will hurt that much worse. But losing a spouse suddenly and unexpectedly...? No one can prepare you for the hell you will go through. No one can say "I understand " and possibly know the specific pain and sadness I feel. I don't blame them, though.

I don't blame anyone but the father of lies. When people say to me "I know what you're going through" or "I know how you feel," I don't mind. You don't know what I'm going through nor do you know how I feel, and that's PERFECTLY okay. I don't WANT you to know this pain, this suffering, this hell... I'd rather you NOT know. I love you all too much to even let you glimpse at the hell I'm in.

This is my mountain. This is my million-miles. I need to suffer through this and I need you all to continue keeping me in your prayers. I need to let Yahweh know I'm serious about giving all that I have to Him. I need the continued strength of My Lord, My Shelter, My Deliverer to push me up this mountain. I need everyone to understand that I'm not strong - I'm a broken and weak man. My strength comes from the Lord.

I'm struggling every hour. Each moment of clarity and peace I have is replaced by moments of “it just happened.” I'm living in the present, but the past seems like a minute ago... this is one of the virtues Isaiah taught: let the past stay in the past. This is something I taught my wonderful Felicia. This is something she embraced. Now I'm finding myself being reminded I need to take my own medicine and let that moment, and each moment since, go and give them to My Creator.

This is the hard part... I don't want to let go. Not yet... but I know I need to so I can keep climbing this mountain. I know I need to show Adonai my #trust in Him. But... this is the hard part.

I love you, my sweet angel. I miss you. #Fiercely