Finding a New Reason

June 1, 2023

Even though it's been 14 weeks of me not having my beautiful wife by my side, it still feels like yesterday, but also like it didn't happen, and this is still a dream. I still think she's in our bedroom, asleep because of her insomnia.

I still feel her... it still feels like she's with me. Maybe that's God's way of making me lie down in green pastures? Maybe the Holy Spirit is comforting me to the point it feels like Felicia is with me? Maybe my constant writing about her and the millions of reminders of her in our home is keeping the love we shared so much still prevalent in our home?

I think it's all of those. And I'm #thankful to Yahweh for His Hand in my mourning and healing. Because of my #faith in Him, because of Felicia's faith in Him, I feel comforted. I still hurt. I still cry out for my beloved wife. But I know she's fully #healed and #ALIVE in His Presence. So, through my pain and torment and suffering from the loss of my beautiful bride, I can still find comfort; I can still find peace.

I'm still standing in the boat, wanting to step out onto the water and into Yeshua's waiting hands. But I know I need some more time. 14 weeks is just a day to me, and I don't know how much longer I'll need to go before it feels more than that. I'm not going to rush it, though. That's always been my problem in any aspect of my life: I want immediate results. I know this is not a reasonable approach, and I still need to work on that. It's because of this thinking that I often find myself in these bad moments. I'm learning to focus more on the good moments and to just let each moment come and go as they need to without rushing the bad away.

I miss my sweet, awesome, beautiful, incredible wife. I miss her laugh. I miss her hugs. I miss her kisses. I miss HER. She was my constant. She was my "reason." But, through all this, I'm finding a new "reason," and it's helping me move forward. Slowly. But it's still helping.

I love you, my angel. Always. Forever. #Fiercely