Adonai is Near
June 19, 2023
This was the VOD from two years ago. I needed this reminder. It's been a rough few weeks for me. It's been rough ever since my return from Holland, really...
I was fairly active this weekend and managed to have several good moments: on Friday, I enjoyed dinner with the Lynns and their boys after clearing some babmboo (preparing for Felicia's Meadow); on Saturday, I mowed the lawn and took the Lynns' oldest son to a baseball game along with my BFF and his SO; and yesterday, after church, I spent time with my siblings at my dad's (where we shared a hilarious moment, prompting me to laugh hard and long, a first since February 21). So, there were many moments of joy and happiness these past 3 days.
But... in between those joyous moments were moments of incredible sadness. I feel guilty for having as much fun as I did. I feel like I'm betraying my shattered heart for not continuously suffering in the torment of losing my favorite part of me... every time those moments ended, I nearly broke down because I couldn't share those moments with Felicia. One time, I did. I wept long and deep... I wept because even though some of the stuff I did most likely wouldn't have included my wife, anyway (she was perpetually uncomfortable and didn't like going places as a result, but always insisted, to the point of shoving me out the door, that I go), I would always come home and tell her about my time away. We'd share some laughs and she'd say that hopefully next time she'll join us.
I couldn't do that this weekend... every time between the good moments, I was immediately taken back to February 21. Her sudden and unexpected death feels like it just happened. My heart, in its billion pieces, instantly reminds me that I'm a widower...
But, through all this, I know Yahweh is near. I know He's comforting me. I know the Holy Spirit is removing this burden from me. I know Yeshua is healing my heart. I still ache for the love of my dear, sweet Felicia. I still weep for her kisses... it's so debilitating... so, having God with me is the only way I'll make it to the top of my million-mile mountain.
I love you, my angel. Always. Forever. #Fiercely
