#Unhappy
May 18, 2023
Hey, Felicia...
You remember when I came back home from Holland, MI? Remember how I said “My heart just rebroke into a billion pieces as I pulled into the driveway”? Remember when I said I’ll never hear your sweet, sweet voice again…?
I’ve been missing you so badly this week. Coming home has really done a number on me. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to let my smile lie for me. But, I’m unhappy. Right now, it feels like I’ll never be happy again while here. My happiness left on February 21 when you unexpectedly and suddenly departed… Every bit of joy and happiness and wonderfulness I have felt these last 22 years has been erased. I still smile when I think of you, hear your voice in my head, feel your phantom kiss on my cheek… but it’s just a moment of a smile. Then, my shattered heart reminds me you aren’t with me anymore. It reminds me my happiness is gone…
It seems like I get lost in this sorrow. Sometimes, I just want to wander aimlessly, trying to feel nothing. Sometimes, I just want to sit in the middle of the woods and just be. Sometimes, I feel like not even getting up…
BUT, I’ve been given a remarkable task. One which only I can take. One which I would rather no one BUT me take. As unhappy, lonely, miserable, sorrowful, embattled with emotions as I am, I know these emotions pale to the LOVE I can spread to those who read my posts. I know that Yahweh, with His Spirit, can pull me from these depths when I’m in them and set my feet back on the water, prepared to walk to Yeshua.
I know I can take this job. I asked Him to let me use my experience so that others can see Him, His Love, His, Peace, His Plans. So I know I need to push forward, regardless of how I feel. I know I still need to grieve. God knows. His Son knows. The Spirit knows. I know I still have a long while before mourning turns to dancing, before my shattered heart is put back together. And, I know that no matter where God takes me, I’ll be taken care of. I also know that even though Jesus is healing my heart, there will always be a scar there. I know that although the best part of me is now dancing in His Glory and not by my side, you’ll always be in my heart.
I miss you so much, my angel. 12 weeks and 3 days ago was just last night for me. And, it will be last night for some time. I can feel it. My crushed soul and shattered heart are being tended to. But I still hurt.
Please know, Felicia: even though I’m unhappy, even though I’m still fraught with tormenting pain, I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for. They are doing their best to help me along, and they understand no level of comfort from them, no amount of words, no amount of hugs, will ever replace my loss. They know they cannot take your mantle - the one which you wore so elegantly. Your smile, your heart, your love, your care… Every bit of you from the top of your head to the soles of your feet, everything tangible and intangible, was truly remarkable and irreplaceable by billions of miles. There’s not even a distant second. And, this is why I think I’ll never be happy again. I’ll have fun times. I’ll laugh and carry on. But, my heart will never be happy, I’m sure. It will be joyful. It will be loving. I just don’t think the happiness we had as husband and wife can never be matched.
I think I’m okay with that, too. I think… Maybe I’m meant to walk this earth, sharing God’s Message, without a spouse by my side? Who knows…? Maybe I’ll be able to love again someday? Maybe that can revive my happiness? Or, maybe I’ll be too entrenched in my despair to even let love find me…?
Felicia… I’m so broken right now… I’m so, so broken… I miss you so much, my princess. I miss talking to you. I miss your fascinating stories. I miss your jokes, your wit, your intellect, your kiss… Writing all this is making me wonder how one man can suffer so much… But then I look to Jesus. My suffering is but a scratch compared to what He went through. And had He not fulfilled His Task as designed by God, this place may be very different and we may not ever get to see each other in the afterlife. Because of Yeshua’s pain and suffering on that cross, because of the stripes He bore, because of the sin, OUR sin - the human race’s sin, He carried on His shoulders, and because you, Felicia, believed with all your heart, soul, and mind that Yeshua is, indeed, the Son of Yahweh, I know you are in His Glorious presence right now. I know you’re dancing in Pure Love, unimaginable to us mere mortals.
It’s knowing this one simple fact that keeps my broken heart beating, keeps my burdened soul moving… I need to turn that focus to Jesus. I need Him to know I’m going to carry my own cross and follow Him. I thought I had. I thought I was. But the evening of February 21 is still last night to me. So, I’m asking Him to wait on me, to never let me go. I need Yeshua in my life to prevent me from drowning in my sorrow and grief. I know He will wait for me. I just pray He can wait a little longer. I’m afraid my unhappiness and my pain are too much of a distraction to focus solely on Him. I will. I just need to mourn the passing of my wife. I need to let my memories turn from tears to joy. I don’t know how long that will take. But Our Father does. So I know I can get through this, climb out of the boat, walk across the stormy sea, grab Yeshua’s hands, walk to the shore, and continue my Million-Mile journey.
I just pray He’ll understand that it will take a little longer. Because I miss you too much, my beautiful, wonderful, sexy, brilliant, charming, hilarious wife. Always. Forever. Fiercely.
