How Long is Long Enough?

May 22, 2023

Hey, Felicia...

How long is “long enough?” No one has told me. I’ve never heard anyone define “long enough.” I don’t think I want to know “long enough.” Presently, “long enough,” to me, is “as long as it takes.” Who knows how long that will be for me? I’ve never mourned anyone the way I’ve mourned you. I’ve had loss. I’ve been hurt. But, the loss and hurt I felt on February 21st was so raw; so full of anguish and turmoil; so terribly full of distraught. How does one ever get over that?

Tomorrow, it will be 13 weeks since I last heard your angelic voice. It will be 13 weeks since I last kissed your lovely lips. How could I mourn “long enough??” How is it even possible for me to even consider my future when my future was 100% full of you?? Every plan I made for the next bajillion years was made around the love of my life. How am I supposed to go ahead with those plans when each of them included you by my side? We worked so well together, we were “Chan and Felicia” to everyone who knew us well. I hadn’t been who I was 22 years ago for 22 years. And who I was became a man completely smitten by the most beautiful woman he’s ever met. Your smile, your laugh, your shyness all made me instantly fall head over heals in live with you. From that moment on March 17th, 2001, I was yours. Fully and completely yours. You had my heart and could do whatever you wanted to with it.

But, you didn’t… You let God do with my heart what He wanted to. You truly intended to just “fix me” (my confidence, my self-esteem - you saw potential) and that’s it. You had no intentions on falling for me. You told me this many times, years later, and each time you did, I fell even more in love with you. And, for that selfless reason (giving God my heart and not taking it for yourself) changed my life forever. Because of your care for me, Yahweh welcomed me back into His presence. I am, truly, eternally grateful for your selfless act. It was the most loving thing you ever did for me. And my life is forever changed because of it.

So, now you see why I know I’m going to have a hard time moving into the future. I’m going to have a hard time because our future was the only thing we planned. We planned on children. We planned on rebuilding this house. We planned on taking more trips together. We had so many large plans, all the little stuff always got looked over. Now I can barely go day-to-day because my day-to-day always included you. How am I supposed to move forward if every step I took included you with me?

…

This is where Our Heavenly Father wants to step in. He sees my hurt. He sees my suffering, He knows how shattered my heart is. And He’s been waiting for me to plan my future with Him. I know this is what I need to do. I know that, ever since we got married, God has always been first in our lives. But for the past 13 weeks, I’ve been so overwhelmed with the sudden and unexpected loss of you, I haven’t done any planning. And, I’m still not ready. Yahweh is telling me that’s okay, though, as long as I still keep my focus on Him. And, I am. It’s been hard, sometimes. I’ve taken a few steps off the path. But, He’s ALWAYS there. That’s one of the most wonderful traits about Adonai - he’s ALWAYS there. We just need to open our eyes. That’s what I’ve been working on. He knows it will take me time and He will be there with me. Once He determines it’s been “long enough” for me, I know He’ll show me my next step. For now, I can feel Him telling me to continue weeping. I can feel Him letting me know I can take time to get through this. I mean, I’ll never get “through” this, Felicia. But, I think you know what I mean.

Until then, my main job is to keep reading His Word, keep looking to Him, and just letting Him know I’m fully and completely His. Yeshua is still on those waves, waiting for me to step out of this boat. (I know, I know - I said I was out and nearly touching His Hands. But, my Honor Trip I took for you really knocked the wind out of my sails. So, even though I thought I was on the water, just barely touching Yeshua’s fingertips, I have really just still been in this boat.) I’ll get there. I’ll summit this million-mile mountain. I know I will.

But, I still weep for you, my angel. I still sob through heartache about your untimely passing. I still can’t believe any of this is real. I still expect to see you walk around the corner, into the room… I still expect to hear your adorable laugh, your sweet, sweet voice. I still expect to feel your gentle kiss on my cheek or your delicate hand touching mine… I miss our hugs. I miss our jokes. I miss singing to you. I miss making you laugh. I miss snuggling with you. I miss you, my incredible wife. Terribly. Horribly. Immensely…

But you’re healed, now. You don’t have any pain. You’re no longer suffering. He’s wiped away all your tears. He’s restored your body to a new, pain-free one. God has given you peace. And, you’re somewhere we all long to be, dancing and singing, praising Our Father in all His Glory. You are Home. This brings me comfort. Yahweh is giving me peace through my suffering by this reminder. And I thank Him for that.

Thank you, my love. Thank you for giving me 22 fantastic years. Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for your love. I love you, my wife. Always. Forever. Fiercely.