She’s Got a Way…
May 27, 2023
Hey, Felicia...
You were never a big Billy Joel fan, but you appreciated his music and enjoyed it when I sang his songs to you. I know we both enjoyed listening to “You May Be Right” or “My Life” whenever they came across our playlist. But, my favorite song of his I sang for you is “She’s Got a Way:”
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasing
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
And she's got a way of talking
I don't know what it is
But it lifts me up
When we are walking anywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a way of showing
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on going
And she's got a light around her
And everywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway
Today has been one of those rollercoaster days. My vertigo seems to be under control for the most part, so I recruited Ben and we cut the grass. Habits are hard to break, you know? I know I’ve only cut the grass a few times, now, this season. But, I still found myself, several times today, glancing up at the back porch to see if you were there… Each time, I remembered… I still found myself expecting to see you come out and ask me something as Ben and I replaced your mom’s headlights… But, you never did.
Just when I think it’s getting a little easier, a fond, joyful memory pops up and I’m suddenly on the verge of overpowering tears… but… lately, like in the past few days, I’ve been wondering if I’m being selfish? Am I being selfish with my wish for you to be here with me, cuddling on this brisk autumn evening in May? Am I being selfish wanting you by my side as I continue life here? Is that selfish of me? It is selfish of me to want you to manifest from my memories and be fully alive before me? With me?
It feels selfish… I’m sure it’s my grieving. I’m sure it’s my lonely heart begging for your affection once again… begging for your hugs and kisses… But, is it selfish? Shouldn’t I be jealous? Shouldn’t I be thanking Yahweh for wrapping you up in His Arms and healing your broken body, wiping away your pain-filled tears? I think that if I want you here with me, I’m being selfish because I’m telling God my feelings, my loneliness, my turmoil from the void left in my heart are more important and valuable than His Plan. Is that what I’m telling the world? Is that what I’m telling GOD?? I pray it isn’t. I pray Adonai understands it’s my human heart which yearns for your touch. I pray He understands I still praise Him for bringing you home and away from all the suffering you endured all those years.
Because that’s what’s going through my mind: on one hand, I feel selfish. But on the other, I feel like I’m being thankful for Yahweh’s Love and Mercy in bringing you into His Glory to be fully and completely healed. As I said, it’s been a rollercoaster day. My emotions are all over the place. They have been since I came back from Holland. I never thought that trip would do the number it has on me. And, because of the pain I’m going through, because of the vertigo I’ve had, I feel like I’ve been disrespectful to others. I feel like I should just disregard my suffering and continue life as if everything is okay. Maybe that’s just years of thinking a “man” is someone impervious to pain? Or, at the very least, can ignore it and just keep moving? Or am I conflating physical/mental pain with heart=wrenching, emotional pain?
If all pain is just “pain,” how do I ignore it, though? How do I ignore the hole left in my heart? How do I ignore losing the best part of me? I can’t. I shouldn’t. But, I shouldn’t let it consume me, either. That diverts God’s plan for me, I’m sure. I do need to keep moving forward, but I need to accept that I’ll continue to wail and mourn over the loss of my dear wife. I need to accept that my grief may take years to be comfortable with (I doubt it will ever go away… at least, I can’t fathom not grieving my one, true love). I need to accept these things and learn to keep climbing this mountain through teary eyes and with a laden heart and overburdened soul.
I will accept these things. I will grow stronger in my faith in Yeshua. I will continue to weep over your passing. I will continue expecting to see you on the porch or coming around a corner. But I will try my best to make each of those moments recall a fond, precious, and wonderful memory of you, of us…
I miss you, Felicia. I miss your kisses. I miss you laugh. I miss your caress. I miss your beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes. I miss YOU… deeply. Profoundly.
I love you, my wife. Always. Forever. Fiercely.
