It’s been awhile…

June 7, 2023

Hey, Felicia...

It’s been about a week and a half since I’ve written here. I want to make it weekly, but I’m not sure I want it to be Wednesdays. I may make it Sunday nights…

Anyway, it’s been awhile. I was struggling with vertigo until last week. Then, when I woke up Friday, I got smacked with it again. You always took care of me when “Verti” showed up. Now I need to tend to myself (your mom helps when she can and when I ask). This past weekend had me in all kinds of ways. I struggled hard with my vertigo Friday. What made it even more difficult was “we” started cleaning our room. By “we,” I mean your uncle Jim. He is selflessly and purposefully giving himself to this endeavor out of his love for you. And, it’s amazing. But, it’s also very difficult for me. As I type this, the room is now void of the furniture we had in it (I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded, since we were going to remodel the room, anyway, which included losing the old furniture). But, I didn’t realize how emotional it was going to be until it got started. The only stuff we’ve thrown out is just bits and bobs and unnecessary old papers. I haven’t gone in there to help discard anything because, as you know, I keep everything. So, this isn’t just a step to move forward. It’s also a cleansing step - emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And, it’s emotionally taking a toll on me. I didn’t think it would affect me as it has.

We’re boxing up everything else (clothes, shoes, other belongings and such) so I can parse through them when I’m ready. It’s already tough enough to take this much-needed step. I’d be preventing any progress by going through our stuff, now. I’d just sit there, completely zoned out, frozen in grief. I know I would. So, we’re not going to do that, yet. Not until I’m ready. And, that will be a long while.

Even though I haven’t helped Jim, I have gone in there a few times. I’ve been in the room numerous times since February 21st, but I’ve never lingered for more than a few minutes. So, talking to Jim as he cleans has taken some effort. In fact, I was just in there today for the longest time, yet, and had to excuse myself. 22 years of precious memories, a lot of them contained within the four walls of our “apartment",” came flooding back and really walloped me. I told Jim I couldn’t be in there any longer, so I excused myself. He understands 100%.

I miss you…

So, Friday, we started cleaning. Saturday, pushing through vertigo, Ben and I swapped out the driver seat in Cherry. You know, the one which you accidentally got stuck all the way forward? The one which, with every bit of effort we could, Ben and I managed to adjust just enough to be drivable by me? Do you remember how the seat start rocking and becoming wobbly? Well, it only got worse in the past few months to the point I knew it was much too dangerous even for me. So, we replaced it with one from another ZJ. That was fun, actually. Then, Ben and your mom cleaned out a portion of the storage building by the house so we can start putting the containers of our stuff into it. I helped a little with that, but Verti was insistent I stay seated least I wanted to feel like I was on a tiny boat in the middle of a large, stormy sea.

Sunday, I went to church then spent the afternoon recovering from the previous days events. Then, it was right back to work-as-usual Monday morning. Monday night, though…

I can’t remember the specifics, with the exception of one tender part… I dreamt of YOU!! This was my third dream with you, and the second which I remember. It’s the first I remember some vivid details. Like: we were “necking.” There’s nothing graphic about what we were doing (other people read these letters, so I’ll spare them the details), but I was biting your neck the way you like it. So, we were making out. And, it was so heart-filling, so real. At some point, we stopped and you had to get something. Then, out of the blue, you said “You’re moving.” You didn’t mean I was wriggling around. You didn’t mean I was leaving and going somewhere else. Your voice and countenance was used by God to tell me I’m doing okay. You see, I have been struggling, ever since Holland, to find my footing again in this unwanted and unexpected journey. I have felt stuck in my climb up this million-mile mountain.

Then, in that dream Monday night, God told me, in your voice and likeness, I’m moving. This was so powerful to me, I woke up right after. And felt a sense of calm. It was also bittersweet because I just got to spend time with you, time I wish I could have frozen, only to be awakened. But, with such a HUGE statement given to me, I couldn’t be upset you faded off into the dreams of my heart.

Ever since that night, it’s been more of the same, though Jim has been here these past two days to keep cleaning the room. We’re about to the point to where I can start remodeling it into an office/bedroom (you may remember I’ve been staying in your mom’s room and she’s been sleeping (at her insistence) on the couch in the living room). Remodeling is going to be hard. Just cleaning it out has been hard. It feels like I’m wiping you away…

I know I’m not. I have the billions of memories, the hundreds of photos, to remind me of our lives together. But, they don’t have the warmth and love that room has… We spent a lot of time in our “apartment” only due to the nature of the living arrangements we’ve had over the years (remember when we had 8-9 people in this 999sqft home for a bit?). And, since we’ve spent a lot of time in there, my life is in there. YOU’RE in there. Cleaning our room is so hard, Felicia. Even though you and I were going to do it one of these days (times have been tough, but we were determined to get it to happen sooner rather than later), it’s not ever going to be the same as if you were a part of the remodel. And, this is the worst part.

As much as I need this, as much as your family needs this, as much as the room needs this (it’s really not in good shape), this is closing a long chapter in our book. The book is still being written. You’re still a big part of it, But, this chapter is one I wasn’t expecting to close anytime soon. Which means this is very trying on me right now. I know I can get through this and I know the result will be an emotional welcome to my next chapter. But, it’s hard. It’s real hard. It’s been real hard. If it weren’t for God’s divine love and His help in my life, I’d be a wreck. I’d probably be fully depressed and barely alive. I look back, in wonder, over the past 15 weeks and am amazed at how well I’ve been able to get through each day. I know it’s God’s Love, Yeshua’s Guidance, and the Holy Spirit’s Peace that have carried me this far. I intend on keeping it this way. I pray I don’t succumb to satan’s nasty darts and start wondering off this path God designed for me. I’ve already tried that path. I didn’t like it. So, God sent you my way to correct my course.

Now you’re not here to help me stay the course. This is why I’m amazed I have made it this far. This proves to me Yahweh has been working in me, helping me. I didn’t need the proof. But, it certainly is a wonderful affirmation of His Grace.

I miss you, my beautiful angel. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your kisses. The dream I had was so wonderful I want to go back to it every waking moment. For just one more moment to hold you. For just one more moment to feel your love radiate from your very soul. I miss every part of you. Every. Single. Part. And it hurts. Terribly. Ferociously. Tremendously.

I love you, my wife. Always. Forever. Fiercely.