May 3, 2023

Hey, Felicia... Today I've been packing for a trip to an undisclosed location. It's a trip I've been planning for a while, now, and one I hope to bring me some comfort. But, as the day I leave approaches, I'm finding myself more and more emotional about it...

This will be the first time I will travel somewhere without kissing you goodbye... without calling you when I land... without calling you goodnight... this is the first trip I'll be taking where I'll truly be lonely. I purposefully planned to go alone and I'm sticking to that plan. I need some good alone time with me and God talking about my beautiful wife.

But, all day today has been tough. Each time I remember to pack something, you were there reminding me. Each time I went to retrieve an item, I was expecting to see you... hear you. I've been missing you incredibly deeply today and my trip doesn't begin until Friday. Still, though, it's been difficult today.

Some people don't know this, Felicia, but I hardly ever go in our bedroom. When I do, it's just to get something to wear or a tool or some random thing. While I'm in the room, a million memories flood my mind and I become overwhelmed with #sadness and #grief. But as I said before, I'm learning to turn those feelings into #joy and #peace. It hurts my heart knowing I'll never hold you again here. It hurts my soul knowing I'll never gaze into your beautiful eyes again here. So, while these memories are painful, I still hold onto them for dear life because they are what keep me going...

And it's those painful moments that I try my best to rejoice in the Lord. I know He's watching you right now, praising His Name and Dancing for Yeshua. Each wonderful memory I have reminds me that my darling wife is surrounded by more #love than any of us will ever know while we're here. Knowing this turns my mourning to dancing. Knowing this turns my tears into smiles.

I still have some packing to do and I'm sure it's not going to get any easier. I know that when I land, I'll need to resist trying to call you. Instead, I'll ask God to let you know I made it safely.

Felicia... my wonderful, beautiful, sweet, loving, incredible wife... I miss you intensely. I miss your kiss. I miss your laugh. I miss YOU. Every. Bit. Of. YOU. But Jesus is piecing back together my shattered heart. The Holy Spirit is relieving this immovable weight from my soul. Yahweh is holding me close.

I love you, my angel. Always. Forever. #Fiercely