Another Hard Day
April 28, 2023
Hey, Felicia. It was a hard day today. I was doing okay when a coworker asked me how I've been (they hadn't spoken to me in a while and were reminded of us this morning on their walk - they saw tulips springing). So, after I told them how I've been and what I'm gonna be doing, soon, I started down a dreary path.
It was then when I realized that whenever I'm not distracted, I'm thinking of you: your smile, your laugh, your wit, your love, your hugs, your kisses... the distractions help me along but there will be an inevitable reminder to redirect me back to the dreary path. I wandered that path for a bit today until I decided to just go distract myself. So, brother in tow, we went to a junk yard so I could grab some parts for Cherry.
That was a good distraction and helped me to get back onto the bright path. But whenever I find myself on the dreary one, all I can think of is our last 24 hours together... I love you so much, Felicia. I pray you know how much I love you. I pray I was every bit of the husband you deserved. I pray you know I gave you all I had because I love you that much. I pray you know that. And I know how much you love me. I could see it in your eyes every time they met mine. I could see it in your smile every time I made you laugh. I could hear it in your voice every time you said anything. I know you love me tremendously. I just pray you know I love you even more.
Now as I turn in for the 67th consecutive time without my bride by my side, I'm finding myself wandering close to that dreary path once more. I think back to those last 24 hours we had. "Woulda Coulda Forest" is beckoning for me to enter. But I can't let satan's playground pull me away from Yahweh's path up my million-mile mountain. I can't let this evil lion devour me in my despair. I must continue climbing. I must step across this stormy lake and into Yeshua's outstretched hands.
It's still not the same going to sleep without you by my side, my love. It's still not the same waking without you by me. However, I can sleep every night knowing you are in the best place that will have ever existed. I can rest knowing you are no longer in pain; you are no longer suffering. You are healed, whole, and ALIVE in God's Full Grace and Mercy, surrounded by His Glorious Love and Light. Oh, how incredible you must feel, my angel. How overwhelmed with joy you must be. How jealous we all are that you are dancing and praising in Our Father's Presence.
So, while you're finally where we all want to be, I still need to remain here in this crumbling, hardening world. Not because I want to. But because I have a task assigned to me by God. I think I know bits and pieces of what the task is, so I'm already doing things. I want anyone who ever comes across me to know Yahweh is with me - His Spirit dwells in me. I want them to know Yeshua has carried my shattered heart all this time and will continue to do so until He knows I'm mended. And I can't wait to be His Servant. Maybe I already am? I don't know. But I want to keep climbing.
I miss you, my sweet, sweet beauty. I miss you hard. I miss you intensely. I miss you terribly.
I love you, my wife. Always. Forever. #Fiercely
