#Sad
April 22, 2023
Hey, Felicia... today was a busy day. I picked Ben up, we had some lunch, then we came to the house to work on the Cherokee. We spent 10 hours together installing things, repairing things, upgrading things. Nothing structural or mechanical. Just busy work. And it was fun.
Then Ben asked me if I still get sad. Without hesitation, I said "Yes. All the time. And I will for a good while."
I do get sad, Felicia. I'm sad right now. My shattered heart hurts for your sweet lips, your loving arms, your warm embrace... I'm missing you horribly. While we were working on the Jeep in the back, I kept looking up toward the house out of habit... you used to come out onto the porch once-in-a-while and we'd wave or blow kisses... I didn't get to see that today...
I'm so sorry I couldn't fix you, my love. I'm so sorry I couldn't take your pain away and keep it away. I'm so sorry... I miss you so much, Felicia. I hurt. I cry. I mourn. I weep... I sob.
I thought we would grow old, together. I thought we would have kids, go on vacations, get another dog... I thought our lives together were going to last a hundred years... but, that wasn't the plan.
Yahweh welcomed you home - you're no longer suffering, no longer in the turmoil you went through daily. Through all my sadness and mourning, this is the one thing which comforts me. Through all my own pain I have to go through, I #praise Our Father for His Redeeming #Love and having welcomed you into His Eternal Kingdom, singing songs and worshiping Him in all His #Glory. How happy you must be, now. How joyful you must feel, being completely free from pain and suffering. You have no more tears to shed, no more agony to go through. You are now whole and ALIVE in His Presence.
I hurt. Terribly. My shattered heart can't get beyond my love for you, my longing for you. But I have a new mission, now. I know God is going to use this tragedy to reach others. I know He wants me to do the reaching. I pray I'll be ready to. I pray I'll finally take that step of #faith off this boat and journey out onto the waters to meet Yeshua. I pray He continues to guide me up this million-mile mountain so others can see Him, can feel His Spirit, can know Yahweh's #Truth...
I just need to be patient. Each time I try to jump forward, He reminds me to slow down and finish mourning the love of my life. He needs me to go through these pains, these sad moments, so that I can better serve Him. It's just that this part sucks. It's so painful at times I wish I could just run from it. But, I promised God I wouldn't. I promised Him I wouldn't turn from Him, no matter how desperate I become. He's my Provider, my Strong Tower, my Deliverer. I can't take another step without Him in my life. As awful as it is right now, Felicia - as #painful as it is - I can't turn from Him. I can only #run TO Him.
I miss you, my beautiful bride. I miss you more than everyone else has ever missed anyone ever times a trillion billion. My shattered heart and crushed soul want to wake up and find ourselves back on the morning of February 21. But if I start thinking those things, I'll find myself stumbling unto Woulda Coulda Forest. I don't want to return to that desolate place full of sorrow. So, instead of wishing to wake up, I pray I step off this boat and onto the waters. Until then...
I love you, my funny, witty, intelligent, beautiful, loving wife. Always. Forever. #Fiercely
