Do Not Be Discouraged
June 3, 2023
Even though we are approaching 15 weeks since I last held my wife, it still feels like I just lost her. Sometimes, it even feels like she's still here. And, in those moments, I find myself tormented by the reminder that I'm now a widower.
It's those moments, which happen a dozen or more times a day, that this reminder to "not be discouraged" is something I cling to. I don't know how many times I've fallen to my knees, weeping for my wife. I don't know how many times I've just stopped doing whatever I'm doing and call out to Yahweh in pain and agony. But each of those times, He's been there for me. Each of those times, He's comforted me with His Holy Spirit.
This spiral of grief is fickle and unpredictable. Sometimes, I feel like February 21 was yesterday. Others, it feels like it's been a few weeks. Right now, I'm moving away from "yesterday" and back into "a few weeks." This is why climbing this million-mile mountain has been so tough for me. I thought I had been doing well. I thought I had been climbing steadily. But when I returned home from Holland two weeks ago, everything started over for me. I found myself still standing in the boat and not walking across the stormy lake into Yeshua's Hands.
My therapist told me, yesterday, I should start learning how to "take a break" from grieving, if only for a few hours, so that the distractions can start bringing me back into "life." I feel like I've done that a few times already, so I understand her suggestion. My only fear is if I stop grieving, even for just a few hours, I'll slowly start forgetting my beautiful wife's face, her voice, her warmth... my therapist said that I will not forget; that taking a break isn't going to erase anything. It's just a way for my mind to relax and my heart to get some relief.
When Yahweh told Joshua to not be discouraged, that He will be with him wherever he went, He also meant that for us. Being a follower of Yeshua takes courage. It takes #faith and discipline. These are attributes I'm trying to attain. And I will.
I love you, my beautiful wife. Always. Forever. #Fiercely
