Lonely, But Not Alone

April 2, 2023

Credit: Red Appletree Photography

You used to cook everything in the InstantPot. You used to make all kinds of delicious dinners.

I just worked with the InstantPot for the first time in a long time and it was emotional. I couldn't ask you where's the rack, should I add more water, if I'm doing it right... you were in every part of my life and now I'm empty... I'm so heartbroken, Felicia. I love you and miss you so much, I can't move, I can't think. My arms desperately want to hold you. My lips desperately want to kiss you.

I'm still between the worlds of "This didn't happen" and "My wife is gone..." I still suffer and hurt, painfully. Woefully. I can't even do the smallest things without being paralyzed in total brokenness...

But then I call to my maker, the One who stitched me together in my mother's womb... the One who gave Himself up so I can have an eternal life worshipping and praising the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. As I suffer through new heartache after new heartache (because your death, Felicia, still feels like a minute ago), I cry out for Our Lord to pull me from the depths of my despair and return me to the million-mile mountain path He wants and needs me on.

I'm overwhelmed with #grief... I'm overburdened with #sorrow... but I'm not #alone. I'm not struggling up this mountain by myself. Even though I'm lonely and longing for the love of my life to return, I know I'm not alone. I know Yeshua is walking with me. I know His Spirit is removing this burden. I know Yahweh is loving on me and comforting me...

This is something I pray NO ONE has to endure. I pray my family and friends can all find #peace and #joy in the #Love of Adonai, in the love of His Son... I pray no one will ever go through what I'm going through, what Vickie, Lynn, and Lee and all the family are going through. I'm miserable, but I know I need to push forward. Misery is satan's way of holding you back. I'm not supposed to be held back. I'm supposed to mourn and grieve, yes, but as I continue to move forward.

Felicia, you gave me the most incredible 22 years no one else could have given me and I am eternally thankful God made us for each other and gave us those 22 years together. All #Glory and #Praise to Our Father for blessing me with 22 wonderful years with the most incredible woman I have ever met.

I love you, Felicia. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Always. Forever. #Fiercely